Should I Tell My Friend that Her Partner/Husband is Cheating on Her?

This post is about when you have knowledge about your friend’s significant other cheating on her. I think it’s also worth my time to do a separate post about what to do when you find out it’s your friend who is doing the cheating. Way too many friendships end over both scenarios.

You might expect a friendship advocate to champion “Always tell your girlfriend the truth! Our loyalty is to each other!” And while I agree with that second sentence– I don’t think the first sentence always leads to that result.

How we tell that truth is often what matters most.

Principles To Consider Before Confessing News that Could Ruin Her Life

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Do you tell a girlfriend when her husband is cheating on her? Most women say they want to know… but how we do it can determine whether the friendship is protected.

Every friendship is different, every marriage is different, and every affair is different. There is no one answer to the question that will fit everyone, all the time. Some of us will have added complications if we also feel loyal to the person we know is cheating, if we all hang out together regularly as couples or families, if we know she’s had painful history with this subject, if she thinks her relationship is perfectly fine, if she’s pregnant or has young kids, or any other number of variations to why this is a very difficult question and answer.

Here are some things to consider before you tell her what you know about her husband or boyfriend that could devastate her.

First, Know that Your Burden Isn’t The Priority.
Yes, it feels like the worst secret ever. And you’re sick to your stomach with what you know. Unfortunately, that is not our biggest concern here. What you are feeling is nothing compared to what she will feel. Your feelings are big and scary, but if you’re thinking of confessing the truth so that you feel better– that is the worst reason to do so. Even if it is causing fights in your own marriage or keeping you up at night– that is not her fault. Vomiting the truth so that she hurts and you feel better is not friendship. Maturity means we learn to find our peace in the midst of painful situations.

So if you do tell her, don’t breathe a word about how it’s impacting you, what you would do in this situation, or how mad at him you are. As much pain as you are in– don’t make this about you. This is her nightmare.

Women Know When They’re Ready to Know, Usually.
I’ve talked to many women after they have found out that he was cheating on them and almost all of them had warning signs and red flags when they look back. We might act like we don’t know, for a while, because we’re not ready to face the truth, or because we’re not ready to have it called into question. So think long and hard about whether you think your friend doesn’t already know.

It’s usually more life changing for her to come to her own truth, than for us to force feed it to her.

So if you do tell her, start with the least amount of information you need to give. Being loyal to her doesn’t mean telling her everything you know, it means telling her enough so that she can try it on and make her best decisions. It’s usually best to tell her what you know with a little bit of doubt… allowing her to save face if she chooses denial a little longer. You can know she’ll undoubtedly keep thinking about it.

You Need to Know that Most Women Stay.
I think it’s worth reminding you that most women stay in marriages even after an affair. And unless you’ve been there– you can’t judge it.

Sometimes there are higher values at stake, other needs being met, and alternative priorities that she chooses. That is not a choice of weakness; to stay is hard and it takes tremendous strength. Supporting her means supporting her relationships, choices, decisions, and timing. Supporting her means accepting her no matter whether you approve.

So if you do tell her, then be sure you tell her that it’s okay if she stays, wants to try to work it out, and that you can still understand what she loves about him.You should feel no invested stake in what choice she makes, when she makes it, or how– that you will fully support her and journey with her any direction. And you’ll support her if she changes her mind down the road, too. Life is a journey, let her take hers.

Women Don’t Want to Have to Defend Their Family.
Even when we know our mom is impossible– we don’t want someone else to say it. Even when we know our children are trouble-makers– we don’t want everyone else to think less of them. Even when our spouse makes us madder than mad– we don’t want our friends to not admire him.

In fact it’s common that most women will blame the “other woman” more than they will their own spouse– its how we react to people we love. Like a mama bear with her cubs, chances are high that she will defend him– it’s partly how she defends herself.
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So if you do tell her, be very, very careful to still speak highly of him, to only share the bare minimum, and never speak poorly of him or their marriage. Even if she reacts with anger toward him– tell her you understand the feelings, but don’t agree with her or express your own opinion. What he did was a hurtful thing, but he is not a bad man. Even if she leaves him eventually, she will heal better if people around her aren’t devaluing him or feeding her anger.

The Messenger Can Become the Threat.
If she’s defending him (or herself since we all want to believe that we chose the perfect person, are worthy of their love, and have a great marriage!), that risks you being seen as the threat. At her very healthiest she would be able to separate you from the message, but when we’re scared, we don’t always react rationally.

She may accuse you of lying, see it as evidence that you’ve never really supported her relationship with him, or simply be so ashamed she can’t face you anymore for what you come to represent to her. If it comes out later she may not want to face you and feel the embarrassment of an “I told you so,” and if she decides to stay, she may feel like she can never talk about it with you.

So if you do tell her, know this distance is normal and a likely consequence of telling the truth. The best way to minimize this is by never placing yourself against him; rather just keep expressing how much you love her and will stick by her no matter what. Express deep regret for having to tell her, but simply tell her you would regret it more if she someday found out you knew and didn’t tell her.

Be Ready and Willing to Handle The Grief.
If you’re not close enough to her to be someone who is ready to go through the grief cycle with her, you may not be close enough to her to tell her this news. She will likely need to grieve whether it ends her relationship or not; there is still some loss.
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The stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, and depression– all of which she may take out on you. All of which are healthy and normal stages. Pray for the courage and tenacity to not take things personally. So if you tell her, you need to be committed to showing up in all those stages, reminding her how much you love her and support her. That might mean doing all the initiating for a while.

That might mean being her place to vent or her person to ignore. No matter what she does– you just keep saying to her, “You have a right to be mad. I would be to. That’s okay. But I’m going to still be here no matter what. You can yell at me, but I still love you.” It means being ready to clean up the vomit that was spewed. Because that’s real loyalty.

You’ve been put in a tough place knowing this information. But you can handle this choice.

Loyalty may mean protecting her from this news for now if you feel that’s the best option. Loyalty can also mean helping her face her feelings, no matter how reactionary they are.

If you finally decide to spill the news!!! Then follow this steps to do i I right

1. Make sure you are right. If you have seen or heard first-hand (from the cheater or the person s/he is cheating with) then you have actual knowledge that something is going on. Do not trust anything you get second-hand (someone else tells you about it). Find actual evidence or say nothing. Everyone makes mistakes.

2. Record or take some snapshots of the action(s). You must have personal, incontrovertible proof of infidelity before you tell your friend anything. If getting a video or a picture is very dangerous for you, then try the last solution which is voice recording. Your mobile phone should have this application too.

3. Talk to your friend's partner. Make the partner understand that you are aware of his or her actions, and you are ready to protect your friend. Tell the partner that you will give him or her until X-time (the time of your choosing, preferably within 24 hours) to confess to your friend, or that you will tell your friend.

A relationship requires honesty. Although you want to help, remember firstly this situation is between the two of them. If the partner does not admit to the infidelity, present your evidence. Repeat your offer: "I can't allow you to do this to my friend, it just isn't right. I will wait until Friday night at 8pm, to give the two of you a chance to talk about it together first, but if you haven't told him by then, I will." Record this conversation as well

4. Give some hints to your friend. Ask your friend how things are at home. If she/he wants to know why you ask, say, "Has your partner been her/himself with you lately? He/She's been acting a little strange when I've seen her/him lately."

5. Invite your friend somewhere to have the final talk. Let your friend know that you have something important to talk with him/her about. This will be painful, no matter what the outcome, so try to arrange a meeting in a place that is relatively isolated rather than at a noisy nightclub.
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6. Come straight to the point. Asking your friend over because you have something important to discuss is likely to put your friend on edge in the first place. Don't beat around the bush, but do try to be compassionate - remember: while you may feel that his/her partner is a skank who now that you know she has cheated on him/her, your friend loves him/her and will be devastated, humiliated, embarrassed, and angry. Try saying something like,

"You don't know how hard this is for me to say, but I need to tell you, I was out with a friend the other night, and we saw your partner with some other one. I wanted to believe she/he was just a friend, but the way they were acting was more than friendly." Your friend will be understandably upset, will want to know who it was, etc. Try to remain calm and keep him/her calm. If he/she doesn't believe you, tell him/her, "I'm positive that this is true. I'm so sorry. But I spoke with your partner about it the day before yesterday and told him/her to tell you or I would. I guess he/he couldn't bring him/herself to be honest with you. I'm sorry."

7. Present your evidence. Instead, if he/she persists in disbelieving you, let him/her know that you have some hard proof, and you will show him/her if he/she wants to see it. Tell him/her again that there's no need to upset himself with pictures of the third person, because you confirmed it by talking with his/her partner already.

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8. Encourage your friend to go home and discuss it. Don't make yourself the bad guy here.
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