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Nigerian gay activist Adebisi Alimi has been vocal about the injustice faced by individuals who are gay. A few years ago, he fled Nigeria because of threats on his life.
Adebisi started out as an actor, he confesses, “I was pretty much a drama queen”. He talks about theatre, the anti-gay law and living with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) to NPR.
Read excerpts,
On the anti-gay law: “I see the law as a catalyst for change for good in Nigeria. You don’t understand what it is like to fight a beast that you cannot see. Before the signing of that law, between 95 and 98 percent of Nigerians were in support of it.
The latest poll says 88 percent of Nigerians now support the law. That’s a 10 percent drop. Some people who are not LGBT are now saying, “Did we just support a law that criminalizes people … for falling in love?” [When] you see that your uncle or cousin is gay, it kind of changes the conversation.”
On how his family feels about his identity: “I’m in a relationship that I can’t talk to my parents about — it’s like a big elephant in the room. But [the fact that] they want to accept me [as gay] is a form of support.
I was diagnosed [with HIV] in 2004, and I’ve never discussed it with my parents. This is my personal life, and I don’t want them to get involved with it. Many times when I struggle with the challenges of being gay and being [HIV] positive, even living in diaspora and so many other things, I just really want to have somebody I can cry to who has blood lineage but I just said no.”
On his support group: “Mostly close friends. Many times it’s people I don’t know. I remember one incident when I was at my university. I was going back to my room at night and I was stopped by two guys. They were making very derogatory statements and becoming really aggressive. There was a [student] coming. So I raised my voice: “What did I do to you, why are you guys so frustrated with me?” [The student] stopped and said, “What’s going on?” I told her these guys were attacking me, and they said, “Oh he’s gay, he’s a faggot.”
She just looked at them and said, “What if he’s a faggot? What’s your problem?” She stood up to them. These are the unsung heroes of my existence because anything could have happened that night.”
On almost being killed: “I was lucky enough to go through a 2-hour ordeal of being beaten and almost being shot in the head and escaping. If those guys are still alive, they might have read one or two of my interviews. I wonder how they feel that they almost killed me. But I felt that leaving was never a choice until my mother said, “Do you still have reason [to stay]? I think you should leave.”
On his reaction when he discovered he was diagnosed with HIV: “By 2001 I started working in HIV prevention because I lost my best friend [to the disease]. So I was kind of aware. That was why my diagnosis was a shock to me. I broke down and started crying and thought like this is the end of my life because I have seen my friends die.
It’s such a big thing that even within the gay community, if you’re positive, that’s the end of it. Nobody wants to talk to you or date you, but you become the story everyone wants to talk about. So I didn’t tell anybody. I carried it for three years before leaving Nigeria. I didn’t start medication until 2009.”
Oh by the way…..found this interview he had with journalist Abang Mercy some months back:
At what point in your life did you decide to be gay?
I get asked this question many times, but honestly it’s pretty hard. I knew I have same sex feeling as young as 8 years, I didn’t really act on it till I was around 10/11 years when I had my first male kiss and it felt so good.
I think many people will say this is what children do and I do agree as I have many friends who had same sex experience while they were young and they grew out of, so also I have friends who had heterosexual feelings while young and grew out of it. Children sexuality is very difficult things to predict and I think it boils down to dynamic around being a child as nothing is set in stone. My second kiss I remember very well was when I was in primary school and it was my final year, I was going to win a prize and I was going to perform as well. So there I was in the changing room with my crush in primary, he had come to see me get ready, when I was all dressed and ready to go on stage, he kissed and I think it lasted for about 1 minute, it was like heaven. I went on stage and I think in all my years of performing, that was one of the best in my life. Today he is married with children and I remembered few years back reminding him of that day, he smiled and said, it was fun while it lasted but that he had moved on.
I went on to secondary school and attending Eko Boys’ High was big time fun. I think I started reaching the conclusion about my sexuality from around age 13. Secondary school gave me the opportunity to see myself better.
I was with other boys, some of them loved girls, some loved boys and it was just normally. Unlike many young gay people being bullied at the playground, I will say to some extent I enjoyed a bit of pampering in secondary, well mostly in my first year as my school father was a very influential guy and he loved me to bits.
By the time I was getting to senior high, it was obvious that yes, I was very different from everyone. Also I have made friends with 4 other guys are we had became the “gay” rebels. We were representing our secondary school in cultural activities. I remembered once we went as far as representing Mushin Local Government in Lagos during the inter-council cultural festival acting as girls. Those were the days. I remembered acting as a pregnant woman and one of the judges saying even a woman won’t be able to do it better.
When I left secondary school, I had the biggest opportunity in my life to attend my first “same sex” party in Lagos, it was mind-blowing and an eye opener for me. And it was at this event I could say I actually used the word gay. I think from childhood I had always been a rebel, even against myself and using the word “gay” was something I was never comfortable with since I knew the word. It just doesn’t fit with me at that time.
So by the time I was 18 years, I have started accepting to use the term gay for myself and in a way trying to find myself with all the confusion around me as regards religion, my sexuality and the expectations of the society and where I found myself personally. My teenage years were the most difficult as well as the most liberating years of my life.
You were disowned by your family and most of your friends – including some in the gay community, what was it like for you?
I think that was one of the most difficult times in my life. You know the feeling when the world is crumbling around you and you just wanted someone to lift you up and everyone is turning their backs on you. Many because of their own shame and others just because of some funny religious belief. It was very hard. I came out when I was 29 years, that is like 11 years after attending my first gay party. It had taken me 11 years to actually say: fuck it, I am going to talk about my sexuality, I am going to own up and say I am gay. It was really hard and I think few years down the line when I thought about the many reactions I got, it was like, yes it took me bloody 11 years to actually look into the mirror with a smile on my face and yes I am gay. I came to a conclusion then that it will be unfair on my families and friends if I was expecting a quick turn around, but at the same time I was not expecting the hateful reactions I got.
However, those kind of things help you realise that you are in this world alone. It’s like in acting, there will be a time when you have to face the camera alone, you deliver a monologue and it’s you and your fate and honestly that moment can make or break you. I had my monologue moment in life and when people say I am a brave gave, I tell myself, boy you nailed your monologue moment. The time alone helped me to restructure myself and this is a process, it’s still a work in progress. Making the best of one self is a huge task as there will be many distraction, many people that don’t believe you, and many who are just bloody pretentious and many that are very sincere and you just have to know how to handle all the shits life might throw at you.
So the rejection helped me to see myself better, though hurtful, but it was also a blessing in disguise
What was your mum’s reaction as well as family members when they realized you were gay?
My mum has always thought I could be gay. She used to say that “whatever you are doing that God is not happy with, you have stop doing them”. I see my mum as a representative of the Nigerian society as whole. Remember she was born in the 50s, there was limited education around sexuality like we know today. Also as she grew older, she was experiencing a form of dissillusion everyone in Nigeria born before independence where experiencing. You know having seen your country coming out an a foreign rule with a promise of better tomorrow and just there right in your eyes you see all these things going to ruin. It must have been very hard for her. Also my grand-dad I was told was a big tyrant. He was very popular in Mushin then and I heard that he took on the government on many occasion.
So my mum background is one that thought there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel and when she grew older and could find the light she turned to the only thing that looked like a light, “religion”. I am very sure that my secular mum that I grew up knowing would have been at least a bit supportive compared to my religious mum who was looking at everything I did from a “mono-direction” informed by the religious normative. It was either right or wrong, nothing in the middle. If the Bible says no, then no questioning, but I also see a woman who is conscious of the reality that she has become an element in the game of chess. I love my mum so much, she is one the strongest woman I have ever seen. Everyone says I look very much like mum, the fierce, arrogant, sexy but determine look is something I got from her. I remembered once my mum walking out on my father, she was going to divorce him and move on with her life. You see, she is not like those Nigerian women who will say ” I will stay for the sake of my children”, she will do what is best for her. But the more she dive into religion the more I lose her. She stopped being rational and started looking at everything from religious perspective.
So by the time i came out as gay, my mum has gone deep into “head covering, Monday-Sunday god worshiping religious woman”, it was very hard to communicate with her, she rejected me not because she felt it was cool, though I had issue with everyone in my family while growing up, she rejected me because the bible said so, because she was looking at me from a humane point of view, but from the view of “what the bible” said and I think that was the last straw for me and my family, it’s sad really, knowing that you have families that you can’t connect with sometimes make the world a lonely place to be.
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